some days....

Why is it that some days are soooo much harder than others???? Not just with my new eating plan but with money, children, moods, chores... the list goes on.. and on.... and on.
But I've been following my eating plan and I've been feeling pretty good about the hard work I've put in, sure I've had a few sneaky sneaky Easter eggs here and there but I've been following the plan as closely as my taste buds would allow and I've found it fairly easy and satisfying.
And then there was today... it was IMPOSSIBLE to control myself... I couldn't stay away from the chocolate stash, I had trouble not needing coffee to survive, and I couldn't stop myself from pinching a little food off my son's plate while he was eating and my dinner was cooking (to be fair he ate half my piece of fish!!!) I wasn't hungry and yet I was snacking on those blasted Easter eggs... undoing all the hard work I put in the past few days... The more my little man screamed, whined and carried on the worse it got...
Back to the beginning tomorrow I guess

Good-bye

Ever had to say good-bye to a friend who has come to mean more to you in the 7ish months you have known him than you ever expected him to mean.... I was starting to think of him as my best friend and now he is moving away... I don't know when or even if he will be back... I don't know if I will ever see him again... I miss him already :(
I wish him all the best and send him off with all of my love and support... but I ache.... Good-bye friend, I love you and hope that this experience brings you all that you want and need to be happy and satisfied with your life...
love
single_mummy86 xx

Sabotage...

Ok, so it seems that if I am unhappy with the way things are, the way my life has headed and the way I look! The only person who is to blame is ME... the only thing that I have control over and the right to change is ME. So I've recently decided to take on a new challenge. I'm modifying my diet, it seems that my current diet is not the healthy option as far as being at my peak physical potential.
I've bought a book, I've read the book, I've picked out some of the yummier sounding recipes, I've bought the ingredients and I've cooked some of the meals and yes they are very tasty... and then the sun goes down, the child sized monster goes to bed... I put on the kettle and make myself a cuppa to relax a little in my own company for a little while, maybe I'll chat to some friends on Facebook, finish of some text conversations or watch a little television... despite the activity I find myself involved in I am sabotaging the effort I've put in all day to live a healthy lifestyle... This is the time of the day I find myself gorging on chocolate!!!
All my hard work and saying 'No' to myself all day becomes wasted effort.... the little voice in side of my head is screaming at me "DON'T DO IT!!!" but I cant help myself.... I guess as much as I want to be slim and healthy... I'm equally or even more afraid. I've never considered myself 'sexy'... I've always thought that having my belly there stopped that... it seems though that men have a different idea of what is sexy and desirable and I therefore haven't had any troubles in that department. I have always had a positive attitude, been a pleasant person and I have looked after myself but I don't know, having a tummy has kept me grounded, stopped me from doing a lot of things and I guess I have hidden behind it my entire life.
I don't know who I am slim... I don't know what its like... I don't know if I will change as a person.... I don't know if guys will like me just for being slim or for me as a person... I don't know a lot and I'm scared of not knowing!! So there is a little part of me that is so terrified that it sends me to the chocolate stash and stuffs it into my face just to maintain that little bit of me (ok its quite a large portion of myself) so as to keep things normal and familiar!
So if you know of any tricks that may help me to overcome my chocolate addiction and to curb my self sabotage... please comment below because I'm desperate, I need any help I can get!!!
Love
single_mummy86
xoxo

Selfish Selfish Selfish me...

I was all worked up this afternoon, just wanted to sit down and vent some on my blog.... and then I couldn't sign in because I couldn't remember my password!!!! Just another negative in my entire day. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, I guess how you look at it) I have cranked out the vodka and as a result my steam has been cooled and my 'problem' doesn't seem so life ending now.
To start off the day I was suppose to meet up with someone, sure the reason isn't important but the fact that I had to stop housework, drive 30km and then wait in the car for 45mins without a message or anything to say she wasn't coming or to ask where I was when I was 10 mins late due to traffic. Then I came back home, finished the housework and we had lunch... Little Man refused to nap and frankly to start off my selfishness I wanted a nap so I got cranky and probably a lot irrational. I ironed while I tried to convince Little Man that he needed to sleep in order to survive the afternoon. While all this was happening I was quietly cursing my ex, bad moods always seem to do this to me.... I always resort back to "how dare he leave me to deal with all this by myself".. oh God how selfish do I sound???
So I told Little Man that we wouldn't be going for a walk because he refused to sleep... I lost my noodle and made him sit on the lounge after I caught him jumping on the bed... where he promptly cried for 10 mins to go to bed.
Soon after that crying match ended the dog stole the favourite bedtime toy and took it under the house. I'm not sure who was more upset me or Little Man... So the dog was in big trouble and still is because I want the toy back!!!! I was in tears, uncontrollable sobbing tears and all I could think of was I wanted Mr  INLOG with me... Yes he is still around! But part of me also knew that him being there wouldn't have made me feel better... in fact, it probably would have made me feel a lot more uncomfortable in that I was red eyed, blotchy, snotty and a great big pile of MESS!!! I like him to see me at my best :)
So I talk to people about how I need a break... but Little Man is in daycare 3 days a week, that's selfish... during those 3 days I either work if I'm required, I do 'man chores' that cant be done while Little Man is around, like mowing the lawn, or I do other things I cant get done while Little Man is around and demanding my attention, like Doctors appointments, hair dressers, brow waxing... more selfishness!!! Funny enough writing this isn't helping me much at all!!
I guess at the end of the day I miss me... I hate being alone and I find it hard to meet guys when I cant be myself because I'm busy being 'mum'... I just want to be me, but I'm not even sure who 'ME' is anymore... I know I'm no one without my son, but I continue to blame him for holding me back... If I'm not blaming him I'm blaming my ex for leaving me in this situation where as he was free to go off and party and find someone else to have more babies with... I don't see things as being quite that simple for me and I'm not sure how to get around it at all... wow so selfish and resentful!!!! I guess I need to take control of my own destiny or something...
So this afternoon was no fun for anyone... I don't feel as though anyone truly understands. I have single parent friends but they don't see their ex-partners the same way I do... I love him, I always will, I had his child I cant help but love the man. I know he isn't a good person, I know he can be selfish- but so can I... and if he didn't end up starting a family with another girl the chances that I would have taken him back and tried again would have been huge... but on the other-hand I hate him soooo much, I hate that he willingly broke out family, left me alone and our son without a father, he seemingly quite happily abandoned us emotionally, physically and financially, no phone calls, text messages or anything...
And then there is Mr INLOG, who is kinda back on the scene, a friend as well as sometimes a little more... sometimes he is distant and sometimes he is close... I like when he is close but I get so scared, scared of so many different things... and I'm not sure if these fears are isolated to just him of if they are general fears of moving on... what if it happens again and I'm left a single mum with 2 or more kids??? What if the first relationship failed because of me??? What if it really was all my fault and I didn't try hard enough or I pushed my ex away????  What if the next guy that comes along is my Prince and I'm too scared to take him and run????
This could very well be the worst piece of writing written in cyberspace... and perhaps by reading it you will gather some insight into my twisted and messed up mind... if you manage to work through how terrible this writing is and have some kind of conclusion to give me please leave it as a comment because right now I'm willing to take all the advice I can get....
Until next time
single_mummy
xx

Mr. Perfect

I started this post January.... then I forgot about it because my advice is.. if something seems too good to be true! Its probably because it is :) The guy written about in the following blog admits to there being a strong connection between us, but he has since chosen to forget about me all together.... read on:

Ok, so this blog could start with an 'OMG!' in a stereotypical American cheer leader style of jumping up and down and girly giggles but no one would take me seriously. This is exatly how I feel. It is now 4 days into 2012 and I am still floating around on cloud 9!

So lets start from the beginning shall we??? The end of 2011 as you know from my first postings was not the happiest of times for me. I went to the doctor to get off the rollercoast of emotions that were bringing me down! I couldn't handle it anymore, but thinking back maybe it wasn't me. Maybe it was Mr INLOG who thought he could say one thing and do another. Perhaps he thought he was keeping me on my toes but all he was doing was crushing my heart. So what happened to him I hear you ask.... I went away for a few days, I mean, got in my car and drove away. I saw a few friends, had a huge cry while I was driving... Came home, went straight to him, took him back to my place, had some of the best sex I've ever had. But the confusing part is here... Instead of getting into his car and driving home... we ran a bath and talked for over an hr :S I'm not convinced that that is appropriate fuck buddy behaviour.

Then over the next few days leading up to NYE, I didn't talk to him actually, I didn't hear from him at all. And I was ok with that! I know!!! The progress!!!! So when my friends and I set our plans for NYE I sent him a text and invited him along, not expecting him to accept and he didn't disappoint! NYE I dropped in on him, made sure he didn't want to come with us and left him to it.

And then the drinking started :) followed closely by awesome company <3. Our driver drove us to where the party was happening and the night continued. However, midnight came, midnight went. I walked away from my besty pashing her boyfriend because that was just depressing!!! So I went out to the smokers area to make a few quiet phone calls and to send the "HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I LOVE YOU" text to those who are dear to me and couldn't be with me. So first on my list to call was Mr INLOG... called him twice then sent him a "How dare you be alseep before midnight on NYE!" text, (I later found out he woke up when I called and let the call run out! arse!) I watched the fireworks, by myself, and then went back and joined my friends.

Not long after all this I spotted him. Standing at the top of the stairs in the door way. I made eye contact, I smiled, he returned the smile. I pointed out the cute guy to my friend... and in normal drunk fashion she approached him and completely embarassed me :) Turns out Mr Perfect (I know, how sad) is a 29 yr old, non-smoker, who works for the mines, has the dreamiest eyes, most gorgous smile, no kids, taller than me, total gentleman didn't try to take me home, perfect kisser, sweet talker, smelt great... absolutely can see myeslf being happy with him forever.... until, I find out he lives in Newcastle.... 9hrs from me :(

I have barely stopped smiling since I met him. He has returned home and we have been talking via text message and Im still smiling. I've gone and seen Mr INLOG and because Im so happy now, Im more relaxed and it seems that is the me that he likes the most so I can see all this ending in tears but the goal is to have as much fun as possible. I need to ride this high for as far as it takes me. My biggest fear is falling off cloud 9. I know Im going to hit the ground hard!!

So, until the day comes and I see Mr Perfect again, the aim of the year is to just have fun. People can go get fucked for all I care. Im going to focus on Mr Perfect, Im going to have fun with Mr INLOG whether we just stay friends of go to more and im going to keep my head, heart and spirit clear so that I can continue to enjoy my year. I have never had a year start off as perfect and happy and had it last as long as this year! It can only mean good things to come. 2012 is the year of the single mummy and Im going to live it to the max with or without a man in my life. I dont need men to be happy but I do need people and friends around me.... it just so happens that a lot of those people are men!

Until next time

single_mummy86

xx

Dear Mr "I'm not like other guys"...

Dear Mr "INLOG",

I would like to start off by saying a huge THANK YOU. Without meeting you I don't know how I would have ever learned that it is actually possible for a guy to listen to and understand a girl.

It was in those first few weeks of us talking that you put in all the effort. You listened to me, told me things that I hadn't even said, things that you had picked up just from watching, listening and taking the time. As a result the walls that I had spent so long building came crashing down. They came down for you and you alone. What stumped me, was after the walls came down and I let you in, I was left feeling naked in the middle of a shopping centre at Christmas time. I was exposed, vulnerable and scared and worst of all you put me there, and then walked away! I still dont understand why you put in so much effort in the beginning to not want me.

When I approached you about taking our relationship to the next level I told you that I felt more for you then I was comfortable feeling. That I was scared and that I didn't know what the next step was. You gave me the speel "its not you its me" and explained that you don't want to start a relationship because you feel you need to move away, to work and live somewhere else as a living trophy of your battle with and victory over depression. Despite the fact that you know I would never stop you from living your dream and that I would support you in every decision you would make, you chose to let me go. You chose to leave me standing there confused, hurt, and scared.

I think the hardest part and the scariest part for you is that I didn't judge you. Not from the beginning and not in the end. I know you have to do what you have to do and I accept you as the person you are. Infact I was starting to fall in love with the person you are and I easily still could... if you wanted me. You like to think that other people, myself included, think you are weird. You assumed this after the first time we went out and you didn't try to sleep with me, infact you didn't even try to kiss me. I didn't think it was weird. Yes I thought it was different, but it was nice. It meant to me that you didn't want to spend time with me just because of sex, you wanted to spend time with me becuase of who I am. I think that is the start of when I realised I could trust you.

I knew from the beginning that you were looking for work elsewhere. That you didn't want to stay in this town, and honestly I couldn't blame you. Dispite this knowledge I spent every moment craving to be with you, to see you, to speak with you. Perhaps this craving sent me into a passion frenzy. I won't forget the first time you kissed me, I'm glad you did it, I was too nervous to make the first move and perhaps if that kiss never happened we never would have went any further than just friends. When you kissed me something sparked inside of me that I don't think has even been awakened before. I felt it right down deep inside me and it was that movement that fired the passion that I felt for you. It wasn't until that moment that I realised that I am ready to love again, I am ready to put my heart on the line because in the end its all worth it just to feel that fire. I thank you for reminding me of love.

Since that moment when you turned me down things have been different. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells trying not to offend you. Im a person who needs physical contact whether it be a kiss, hug or sex I need other people. I would die to hug you some times, infact almost every time I see you I want to leap into your arms, not as lovers but as friends. I worry that if I go for a hug that you will pull away and that I will be left alone again, I worry most that you will get the wrong idea, that you will think I'm still looking for more than what we have become not knowing that a hug is a hug and doesn't necessarily have to mean any more than a comforting friend.

I was terrified of it all ending but the desire to be honest with you and tell you how I was feeling out weighed everything, I just needed you to know how I felt. I knew we could have been great together and I think that I frightened you most in that I showed you that everything you thought about women previously was wrong. I challenged your assumptions and I presented the opposite of what you have experienced in previous relationships. Things such as balance, trust, respect, understanding and acceptance. I am not going to appologize for who I am, but I am sorry that you weren't willing to take the same chances I was. To give me and you a go, to risk finding happiness, love and forever.

As I sit here writing this I am letting go. I will not let go of our friendship because I hope that it will always be there but letting go of the idea of us being together. I can't just wait for you to realise that I'm here and I hope that if you are going to realise it that it happens soon because I don't want to have to choose between you and any other guy. I crave love, I need love, I've felt it once before when I was engaged and I've felt it starting to grow again with you, I can't wait forever, I need to keep moving forward and I will do it without you if necessary. I've done that before.

If you think that keeping me at arms length and not letting yourself love me in return will make things easier if you get a job and have to leave, then I think you are wrong. You need to live in the moment, yes I will miss you when you go, even now when we aren't together I will miss you if you left, but you haven't gone, you are still here. Life is short we should be living the moment while we have the chance, because once the chance is gone there are no guarantees that it will return. If we miss our moment then we have lost what could have been and I think we could be great.

In the end we are still friends. We built a solid foundation and the eggshells will crumble and be gone soon enough and things will go back to how they were weeks ago. The solid foundation that I thought could lead to love I am starting to accept as nothing more than what it is.

Your Friend

single_mummy86 xx

Welcome to me...

Hi :)

I'm a 25 year old single mummy to an almost 3 year old boy. He is absolutely beautiful and I love him to bits. I've been a single mum for almost 2 years now. In that time I have been in one other relationship and dated only 1 other additional man. I have also completed my second degree and Im now a qualified secondary school teacher who works behind a bar!!!

I live in a small town, one of those places where everyone knows your name, and your business, and what colour undies you are wearing!!! My family lives within 30kms of me which is nice :)

Since becoming a single mummy, I have learned who my real friends are, I have learned its very difficult to make new friends and as such I have spent an incredible amount of time by myself... Lonelyville is a place that I am very very familiar with. As am I familar with Facebook, where I am able to converse with my 'friends' who wouldn't come visit me because they dont know how to interact with children.

I set up this blog because I need someone to talk to... and yes, this equates essentially to talking to myself, unless I get followers... but there are just some things I can't hold on to anymore and I just need to get it out and I cant bare to tell the people associated with these feelings because I think I've already made them uncomfortable enough as it is.... essentially I am an open book. I dont hide much and when Im feeling something I deffinately like to let the other party know! Which is why my latest attempt at dating has left me still single at Christmas time, which is the worst time to be single... even worse than on your birthday!!

I hear you asking how did such a young, beautiful, intelligent. nice girl become stuck in such a difficult situation??? So here we go, this is the story of how I become a single mum (leaving the specific details out hehe).... During my final year of studying my undergratuate degree I went out with my friends for some drinks and we got talking to two young men. These guys seemed decent enough, they were handsome and charming and asked us to dance and then low and behold they followed me and my friend home!!! I mean literally 5 metres behind us, following us!!! So we took them back to my friend's house and continued the drinking and one thing led to another and I took one home with me the next morning.... where he stayed for the rest of the year. During the year we fell in love and 7 months after we met we got engaged. At the end of the year I graduated and I moved town, he came too of course. We moved interstate and lived at the beach and found our own cheap, run down water front flat and there is where we decided to start our family. So I stopped taking the pill and started counting my dates so that we could get it done exactly at the right time :) 10 months later I gave birth to our son.
If only the story went that smoothly... during the pregnancy he took up drugs (again). He decided 16 weeks into the pregnancy... the planned pregnancy! That he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I stuck by him, tried to help him, dropped out of uni, support him, helped him find a job. I did everything a loving wife-to-be and mother-to-be would do to hold her family together. After Bubba was born things were great, for about 2 weeks. Then the novelty wore off. He started hanging out with his mates, drinking, spending time with girls I didn't particularly like, and not helping me, supporting me or spending time with us. 6 months later I thought he was having an affair. Turns out he wasn't, he was just back on the drugs... Honestly, I was fooling myself, I knew months before!!! A few months after that I had enough.

The only change to his schedule, which was more like a single 21 year olds than a 26 year old father's,  was Friday and Saturdays when he worked those nights.
He stopped coming home at all when I told him I didn't want him driving my car stoned. So instead of not smoking he chose to not come home!!! Go figure!

So his mum came and got him and he left the day after valentines day 2010. The day after we got Bubba christened. He came and saw Bubba a few times in 2010, mostly when I drove south to visit my parents he would come visit too. He made it to Bubb'as 2nd birthday party... late. The guy I was in a relationship at that time and I both noticed that my ex could only handle playing with Bubba for an hr, after an hr an excuse came up that he "had to go" and this happened about 3 different times.
Since then, we have only seen/heard from the ex once, that was April, when he came and got the rest of this things from my house before I moved. It was a week till Christmas when I started writing this and there was still no contact. But I have found out since that he has a new finance and that she is now pregnant too! Good luck to her :) He did however come for a day after Christmas... I might blog about that later :P

The guy I was seeing at Bubba's second birthday was a great guy. Except he was 5 years younger than me. The age gap was no problem until we broke up and then his immaturity shone through and we haven't heard form him since. And here we are. The guy I was recently dating was 10 years older than me.... he is the topic of the next post... and the reason for me setting up this blog.

Until next time <3 and thanks for reading!

Single_Mummy xoxo