Dear Mr "INLOG",
I would like to start off by saying a huge THANK YOU. Without
meeting you I don't know how I would have ever learned that it is actually
possible for a guy to listen to and understand a girl.
It was in those first few weeks of us talking that you put in all the effort.
You listened to me, told me things that I hadn't even said, things that you had
picked up just from watching, listening and taking the time. As a result the
walls that I had spent so long building came crashing down. They came down for
you and you alone. What stumped me, was after the walls came down and I let you
in, I was left feeling naked in the middle of a shopping centre at Christmas
time. I was exposed, vulnerable and scared and worst of all you put me there,
and then walked away! I still dont understand why you put in so much effort in
the beginning to not want me.
When I approached you about taking our relationship to the next level I told
you that I felt more for you then I was comfortable feeling. That I was scared
and that I didn't know what the next step was. You gave me the speel "its not
you its me" and explained that you don't want to start a relationship because
you feel you need to move away, to work and live somewhere else as a living
trophy of your battle with and victory over depression. Despite the fact that
you know I would never stop you from living your dream and that I would support
you in every decision you would make, you chose to let me go. You chose to leave
me standing there confused, hurt, and scared.
I think the hardest part and the scariest part for you is that I didn't judge
you. Not from the beginning and not in the end. I know you have to do what you
have to do and I accept you as the person you are. Infact I was starting to fall
in love with the person you are and I easily still could... if you wanted me.
You like to think that other people, myself included, think you are weird. You
assumed this after the first time we went out and you didn't try to sleep with
me, infact you didn't even try to kiss me. I didn't think it was weird. Yes I
thought it was different, but it was nice. It meant to me that you didn't want
to spend time with me just because of sex, you wanted to spend time with me
becuase of who I am. I think that is the start of when I realised I could trust
you.
I knew from the beginning that you were looking for work elsewhere. That you
didn't want to stay in this town, and honestly I couldn't blame you. Dispite
this knowledge I spent every moment craving to be with you, to see you, to speak
with you. Perhaps this craving sent me into a passion frenzy. I won't forget the
first time you kissed me, I'm glad you did it, I was too nervous to make the
first move and perhaps if that kiss never happened we never would have went any
further than just friends. When you kissed me something sparked inside of me
that I don't think has even been awakened before. I felt it right down deep
inside me and it was that movement that fired the passion that I felt for you.
It wasn't until that moment that I realised that I am ready to love again, I am
ready to put my heart on the line because in the end its all worth it just to
feel that fire. I thank you for reminding me of love.
Since that moment when you turned me down things have been different. I feel
as though I am walking on eggshells trying not to offend you. Im a person who
needs physical contact whether it be a kiss, hug or sex I need other people. I
would die to hug you some times, infact almost every time I see you I want to
leap into your arms, not as lovers but as friends. I worry that if I go for a
hug that you will pull away and that I will be left alone again, I worry most
that you will get the wrong idea, that you will think I'm still looking for more
than what we have become not knowing that a hug is a hug and doesn't necessarily
have to mean any more than a comforting friend.
I was terrified of it all ending but the desire to be honest with you and
tell you how I was feeling out weighed everything, I just needed you to know how
I felt. I knew we could have been great together and I think that I frightened
you most in that I showed you that everything you thought about women previously
was wrong. I challenged your assumptions and I presented the opposite of what
you have experienced in previous relationships. Things such as balance, trust,
respect, understanding and acceptance. I am not going to appologize for who I
am, but I am sorry that you weren't willing to take the same chances I was. To
give me and you a go, to risk finding happiness, love and forever.
As I sit here writing this I am letting go. I will not let go of our
friendship because I hope that it will always be there but letting go of the
idea of us being together. I can't just wait for you to realise that I'm here
and I hope that if you are going to realise it that it happens soon because I
don't want to have to choose between you and any other guy. I crave love, I need
love, I've felt it once before when I was engaged and I've felt it starting to
grow again with you, I can't wait forever, I need to keep moving forward and I
will do it without you if necessary. I've done that before.
If you think that keeping me at arms length and not letting yourself love me
in return will make things easier if you get a job and have to leave, then I
think you are wrong. You need to live in the moment, yes I will miss you when
you go, even now when we aren't together I will miss you if you left, but you
haven't gone, you are still here. Life is short we should be living the moment
while we have the chance, because once the chance is gone there are no
guarantees that it will return. If we miss our moment then we have lost what
could have been and I think we could be great.
In the end we are still friends. We built a solid foundation and the
eggshells will crumble and be gone soon enough and things will go back to how
they were weeks ago. The solid foundation that I thought could lead to love I am
starting to accept as nothing more than what it is.
Your Friend
single_mummy86 xx
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