I was all worked up this afternoon, just wanted to sit down and vent some on my blog.... and then I couldn't sign in because I couldn't remember my password!!!! Just another negative in my entire day. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, I guess how you look at it) I have cranked out the vodka and as a result my steam has been cooled and my 'problem' doesn't seem so life ending now.
To start off the day I was suppose to meet up with someone, sure the reason isn't important but the fact that I had to stop housework, drive 30km and then wait in the car for 45mins without a message or anything to say she wasn't coming or to ask where I was when I was 10 mins late due to traffic. Then I came back home, finished the housework and we had lunch... Little Man refused to nap and frankly to start off my selfishness I wanted a nap so I got cranky and probably a lot irrational. I ironed while I tried to convince Little Man that he needed to sleep in order to survive the afternoon. While all this was happening I was quietly cursing my ex, bad moods always seem to do this to me.... I always resort back to "how dare he leave me to deal with all this by myself".. oh God how selfish do I sound???
So I told Little Man that we wouldn't be going for a walk because he refused to sleep... I lost my noodle and made him sit on the lounge after I caught him jumping on the bed... where he promptly cried for 10 mins to go to bed.
Soon after that crying match ended the dog stole the favourite bedtime toy and took it under the house. I'm not sure who was more upset me or Little Man... So the dog was in big trouble and still is because I want the toy back!!!! I was in tears, uncontrollable sobbing tears and all I could think of was I wanted Mr INLOG with me... Yes he is still around! But part of me also knew that him being there wouldn't have made me feel better... in fact, it probably would have made me feel a lot more uncomfortable in that I was red eyed, blotchy, snotty and a great big pile of MESS!!! I like him to see me at my best :)
So I talk to people about how I need a break... but Little Man is in daycare 3 days a week, that's selfish... during those 3 days I either work if I'm required, I do 'man chores' that cant be done while Little Man is around, like mowing the lawn, or I do other things I cant get done while Little Man is around and demanding my attention, like Doctors appointments, hair dressers, brow waxing... more selfishness!!! Funny enough writing this isn't helping me much at all!!
I guess at the end of the day I miss me... I hate being alone and I find it hard to meet guys when I cant be myself because I'm busy being 'mum'... I just want to be me, but I'm not even sure who 'ME' is anymore... I know I'm no one without my son, but I continue to blame him for holding me back... If I'm not blaming him I'm blaming my ex for leaving me in this situation where as he was free to go off and party and find someone else to have more babies with... I don't see things as being quite that simple for me and I'm not sure how to get around it at all... wow so selfish and resentful!!!! I guess I need to take control of my own destiny or something...
So this afternoon was no fun for anyone... I don't feel as though anyone truly understands. I have single parent friends but they don't see their ex-partners the same way I do... I love him, I always will, I had his child I cant help but love the man. I know he isn't a good person, I know he can be selfish- but so can I... and if he didn't end up starting a family with another girl the chances that I would have taken him back and tried again would have been huge... but on the other-hand I hate him soooo much, I hate that he willingly broke out family, left me alone and our son without a father, he seemingly quite happily abandoned us emotionally, physically and financially, no phone calls, text messages or anything...
And then there is Mr INLOG, who is kinda back on the scene, a friend as well as sometimes a little more... sometimes he is distant and sometimes he is close... I like when he is close but I get so scared, scared of so many different things... and I'm not sure if these fears are isolated to just him of if they are general fears of moving on... what if it happens again and I'm left a single mum with 2 or more kids??? What if the first relationship failed because of me??? What if it really was all my fault and I didn't try hard enough or I pushed my ex away???? What if the next guy that comes along is my Prince and I'm too scared to take him and run????
This could very well be the worst piece of writing written in cyberspace... and perhaps by reading it you will gather some insight into my twisted and messed up mind... if you manage to work through how terrible this writing is and have some kind of conclusion to give me please leave it as a comment because right now I'm willing to take all the advice I can get....
Until next time
single_mummy
xx
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