Dear Mr "I'm not like other guys"...

Dear Mr "INLOG",

I would like to start off by saying a huge THANK YOU. Without meeting you I don't know how I would have ever learned that it is actually possible for a guy to listen to and understand a girl.

It was in those first few weeks of us talking that you put in all the effort. You listened to me, told me things that I hadn't even said, things that you had picked up just from watching, listening and taking the time. As a result the walls that I had spent so long building came crashing down. They came down for you and you alone. What stumped me, was after the walls came down and I let you in, I was left feeling naked in the middle of a shopping centre at Christmas time. I was exposed, vulnerable and scared and worst of all you put me there, and then walked away! I still dont understand why you put in so much effort in the beginning to not want me.

When I approached you about taking our relationship to the next level I told you that I felt more for you then I was comfortable feeling. That I was scared and that I didn't know what the next step was. You gave me the speel "its not you its me" and explained that you don't want to start a relationship because you feel you need to move away, to work and live somewhere else as a living trophy of your battle with and victory over depression. Despite the fact that you know I would never stop you from living your dream and that I would support you in every decision you would make, you chose to let me go. You chose to leave me standing there confused, hurt, and scared.

I think the hardest part and the scariest part for you is that I didn't judge you. Not from the beginning and not in the end. I know you have to do what you have to do and I accept you as the person you are. Infact I was starting to fall in love with the person you are and I easily still could... if you wanted me. You like to think that other people, myself included, think you are weird. You assumed this after the first time we went out and you didn't try to sleep with me, infact you didn't even try to kiss me. I didn't think it was weird. Yes I thought it was different, but it was nice. It meant to me that you didn't want to spend time with me just because of sex, you wanted to spend time with me becuase of who I am. I think that is the start of when I realised I could trust you.

I knew from the beginning that you were looking for work elsewhere. That you didn't want to stay in this town, and honestly I couldn't blame you. Dispite this knowledge I spent every moment craving to be with you, to see you, to speak with you. Perhaps this craving sent me into a passion frenzy. I won't forget the first time you kissed me, I'm glad you did it, I was too nervous to make the first move and perhaps if that kiss never happened we never would have went any further than just friends. When you kissed me something sparked inside of me that I don't think has even been awakened before. I felt it right down deep inside me and it was that movement that fired the passion that I felt for you. It wasn't until that moment that I realised that I am ready to love again, I am ready to put my heart on the line because in the end its all worth it just to feel that fire. I thank you for reminding me of love.

Since that moment when you turned me down things have been different. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells trying not to offend you. Im a person who needs physical contact whether it be a kiss, hug or sex I need other people. I would die to hug you some times, infact almost every time I see you I want to leap into your arms, not as lovers but as friends. I worry that if I go for a hug that you will pull away and that I will be left alone again, I worry most that you will get the wrong idea, that you will think I'm still looking for more than what we have become not knowing that a hug is a hug and doesn't necessarily have to mean any more than a comforting friend.

I was terrified of it all ending but the desire to be honest with you and tell you how I was feeling out weighed everything, I just needed you to know how I felt. I knew we could have been great together and I think that I frightened you most in that I showed you that everything you thought about women previously was wrong. I challenged your assumptions and I presented the opposite of what you have experienced in previous relationships. Things such as balance, trust, respect, understanding and acceptance. I am not going to appologize for who I am, but I am sorry that you weren't willing to take the same chances I was. To give me and you a go, to risk finding happiness, love and forever.

As I sit here writing this I am letting go. I will not let go of our friendship because I hope that it will always be there but letting go of the idea of us being together. I can't just wait for you to realise that I'm here and I hope that if you are going to realise it that it happens soon because I don't want to have to choose between you and any other guy. I crave love, I need love, I've felt it once before when I was engaged and I've felt it starting to grow again with you, I can't wait forever, I need to keep moving forward and I will do it without you if necessary. I've done that before.

If you think that keeping me at arms length and not letting yourself love me in return will make things easier if you get a job and have to leave, then I think you are wrong. You need to live in the moment, yes I will miss you when you go, even now when we aren't together I will miss you if you left, but you haven't gone, you are still here. Life is short we should be living the moment while we have the chance, because once the chance is gone there are no guarantees that it will return. If we miss our moment then we have lost what could have been and I think we could be great.

In the end we are still friends. We built a solid foundation and the eggshells will crumble and be gone soon enough and things will go back to how they were weeks ago. The solid foundation that I thought could lead to love I am starting to accept as nothing more than what it is.

Your Friend

single_mummy86 xx

Welcome to me...

Hi :)

I'm a 25 year old single mummy to an almost 3 year old boy. He is absolutely beautiful and I love him to bits. I've been a single mum for almost 2 years now. In that time I have been in one other relationship and dated only 1 other additional man. I have also completed my second degree and Im now a qualified secondary school teacher who works behind a bar!!!

I live in a small town, one of those places where everyone knows your name, and your business, and what colour undies you are wearing!!! My family lives within 30kms of me which is nice :)

Since becoming a single mummy, I have learned who my real friends are, I have learned its very difficult to make new friends and as such I have spent an incredible amount of time by myself... Lonelyville is a place that I am very very familiar with. As am I familar with Facebook, where I am able to converse with my 'friends' who wouldn't come visit me because they dont know how to interact with children.

I set up this blog because I need someone to talk to... and yes, this equates essentially to talking to myself, unless I get followers... but there are just some things I can't hold on to anymore and I just need to get it out and I cant bare to tell the people associated with these feelings because I think I've already made them uncomfortable enough as it is.... essentially I am an open book. I dont hide much and when Im feeling something I deffinately like to let the other party know! Which is why my latest attempt at dating has left me still single at Christmas time, which is the worst time to be single... even worse than on your birthday!!

I hear you asking how did such a young, beautiful, intelligent. nice girl become stuck in such a difficult situation??? So here we go, this is the story of how I become a single mum (leaving the specific details out hehe).... During my final year of studying my undergratuate degree I went out with my friends for some drinks and we got talking to two young men. These guys seemed decent enough, they were handsome and charming and asked us to dance and then low and behold they followed me and my friend home!!! I mean literally 5 metres behind us, following us!!! So we took them back to my friend's house and continued the drinking and one thing led to another and I took one home with me the next morning.... where he stayed for the rest of the year. During the year we fell in love and 7 months after we met we got engaged. At the end of the year I graduated and I moved town, he came too of course. We moved interstate and lived at the beach and found our own cheap, run down water front flat and there is where we decided to start our family. So I stopped taking the pill and started counting my dates so that we could get it done exactly at the right time :) 10 months later I gave birth to our son.
If only the story went that smoothly... during the pregnancy he took up drugs (again). He decided 16 weeks into the pregnancy... the planned pregnancy! That he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I stuck by him, tried to help him, dropped out of uni, support him, helped him find a job. I did everything a loving wife-to-be and mother-to-be would do to hold her family together. After Bubba was born things were great, for about 2 weeks. Then the novelty wore off. He started hanging out with his mates, drinking, spending time with girls I didn't particularly like, and not helping me, supporting me or spending time with us. 6 months later I thought he was having an affair. Turns out he wasn't, he was just back on the drugs... Honestly, I was fooling myself, I knew months before!!! A few months after that I had enough.

The only change to his schedule, which was more like a single 21 year olds than a 26 year old father's,  was Friday and Saturdays when he worked those nights.
He stopped coming home at all when I told him I didn't want him driving my car stoned. So instead of not smoking he chose to not come home!!! Go figure!

So his mum came and got him and he left the day after valentines day 2010. The day after we got Bubba christened. He came and saw Bubba a few times in 2010, mostly when I drove south to visit my parents he would come visit too. He made it to Bubb'as 2nd birthday party... late. The guy I was in a relationship at that time and I both noticed that my ex could only handle playing with Bubba for an hr, after an hr an excuse came up that he "had to go" and this happened about 3 different times.
Since then, we have only seen/heard from the ex once, that was April, when he came and got the rest of this things from my house before I moved. It was a week till Christmas when I started writing this and there was still no contact. But I have found out since that he has a new finance and that she is now pregnant too! Good luck to her :) He did however come for a day after Christmas... I might blog about that later :P

The guy I was seeing at Bubba's second birthday was a great guy. Except he was 5 years younger than me. The age gap was no problem until we broke up and then his immaturity shone through and we haven't heard form him since. And here we are. The guy I was recently dating was 10 years older than me.... he is the topic of the next post... and the reason for me setting up this blog.

Until next time <3 and thanks for reading!

Single_Mummy xoxo