Why is it that some days are soooo much harder than others???? Not just with my new eating plan but with money, children, moods, chores... the list goes on.. and on.... and on.
But I've been following my eating plan and I've been feeling pretty good about the hard work I've put in, sure I've had a few sneaky sneaky Easter eggs here and there but I've been following the plan as closely as my taste buds would allow and I've found it fairly easy and satisfying.
And then there was today... it was IMPOSSIBLE to control myself... I couldn't stay away from the chocolate stash, I had trouble not needing coffee to survive, and I couldn't stop myself from pinching a little food off my son's plate while he was eating and my dinner was cooking (to be fair he ate half my piece of fish!!!) I wasn't hungry and yet I was snacking on those blasted Easter eggs... undoing all the hard work I put in the past few days... The more my little man screamed, whined and carried on the worse it got...
Back to the beginning tomorrow I guess
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Friday, 20 April 2012
Good-bye
Ever had to say good-bye to a friend who has come to mean more to you in the 7ish months you have known him than you ever expected him to mean.... I was starting to think of him as my best friend and now he is moving away... I don't know when or even if he will be back... I don't know if I will ever see him again... I miss him already :(
I wish him all the best and send him off with all of my love and support... but I ache.... Good-bye friend, I love you and hope that this experience brings you all that you want and need to be happy and satisfied with your life...
love
single_mummy86 xx
I wish him all the best and send him off with all of my love and support... but I ache.... Good-bye friend, I love you and hope that this experience brings you all that you want and need to be happy and satisfied with your life...
love
single_mummy86 xx
Monday, 16 April 2012
Sabotage...
Ok, so it seems that if I am unhappy with the way things are, the way my life has headed and the way I look! The only person who is to blame is ME... the only thing that I have control over and the right to change is ME. So I've recently decided to take on a new challenge. I'm modifying my diet, it seems that my current diet is not the healthy option as far as being at my peak physical potential.
I've bought a book, I've read the book, I've picked out some of the yummier sounding recipes, I've bought the ingredients and I've cooked some of the meals and yes they are very tasty... and then the sun goes down, the child sized monster goes to bed... I put on the kettle and make myself a cuppa to relax a little in my own company for a little while, maybe I'll chat to some friends on Facebook, finish of some text conversations or watch a little television... despite the activity I find myself involved in I am sabotaging the effort I've put in all day to live a healthy lifestyle... This is the time of the day I find myself gorging on chocolate!!!
All my hard work and saying 'No' to myself all day becomes wasted effort.... the little voice in side of my head is screaming at me "DON'T DO IT!!!" but I cant help myself.... I guess as much as I want to be slim and healthy... I'm equally or even more afraid. I've never considered myself 'sexy'... I've always thought that having my belly there stopped that... it seems though that men have a different idea of what is sexy and desirable and I therefore haven't had any troubles in that department. I have always had a positive attitude, been a pleasant person and I have looked after myself but I don't know, having a tummy has kept me grounded, stopped me from doing a lot of things and I guess I have hidden behind it my entire life.
I don't know who I am slim... I don't know what its like... I don't know if I will change as a person.... I don't know if guys will like me just for being slim or for me as a person... I don't know a lot and I'm scared of not knowing!! So there is a little part of me that is so terrified that it sends me to the chocolate stash and stuffs it into my face just to maintain that little bit of me (ok its quite a large portion of myself) so as to keep things normal and familiar!
So if you know of any tricks that may help me to overcome my chocolate addiction and to curb my self sabotage... please comment below because I'm desperate, I need any help I can get!!!
Love
single_mummy86
xoxo
I've bought a book, I've read the book, I've picked out some of the yummier sounding recipes, I've bought the ingredients and I've cooked some of the meals and yes they are very tasty... and then the sun goes down, the child sized monster goes to bed... I put on the kettle and make myself a cuppa to relax a little in my own company for a little while, maybe I'll chat to some friends on Facebook, finish of some text conversations or watch a little television... despite the activity I find myself involved in I am sabotaging the effort I've put in all day to live a healthy lifestyle... This is the time of the day I find myself gorging on chocolate!!!
All my hard work and saying 'No' to myself all day becomes wasted effort.... the little voice in side of my head is screaming at me "DON'T DO IT!!!" but I cant help myself.... I guess as much as I want to be slim and healthy... I'm equally or even more afraid. I've never considered myself 'sexy'... I've always thought that having my belly there stopped that... it seems though that men have a different idea of what is sexy and desirable and I therefore haven't had any troubles in that department. I have always had a positive attitude, been a pleasant person and I have looked after myself but I don't know, having a tummy has kept me grounded, stopped me from doing a lot of things and I guess I have hidden behind it my entire life.
I don't know who I am slim... I don't know what its like... I don't know if I will change as a person.... I don't know if guys will like me just for being slim or for me as a person... I don't know a lot and I'm scared of not knowing!! So there is a little part of me that is so terrified that it sends me to the chocolate stash and stuffs it into my face just to maintain that little bit of me (ok its quite a large portion of myself) so as to keep things normal and familiar!
So if you know of any tricks that may help me to overcome my chocolate addiction and to curb my self sabotage... please comment below because I'm desperate, I need any help I can get!!!
Love
single_mummy86
xoxo
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Selfish Selfish Selfish me...
I was all worked up this afternoon, just wanted to sit down and vent some on my blog.... and then I couldn't sign in because I couldn't remember my password!!!! Just another negative in my entire day. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, I guess how you look at it) I have cranked out the vodka and as a result my steam has been cooled and my 'problem' doesn't seem so life ending now.
To start off the day I was suppose to meet up with someone, sure the reason isn't important but the fact that I had to stop housework, drive 30km and then wait in the car for 45mins without a message or anything to say she wasn't coming or to ask where I was when I was 10 mins late due to traffic. Then I came back home, finished the housework and we had lunch... Little Man refused to nap and frankly to start off my selfishness I wanted a nap so I got cranky and probably a lot irrational. I ironed while I tried to convince Little Man that he needed to sleep in order to survive the afternoon. While all this was happening I was quietly cursing my ex, bad moods always seem to do this to me.... I always resort back to "how dare he leave me to deal with all this by myself".. oh God how selfish do I sound???
So I told Little Man that we wouldn't be going for a walk because he refused to sleep... I lost my noodle and made him sit on the lounge after I caught him jumping on the bed... where he promptly cried for 10 mins to go to bed.
Soon after that crying match ended the dog stole the favourite bedtime toy and took it under the house. I'm not sure who was more upset me or Little Man... So the dog was in big trouble and still is because I want the toy back!!!! I was in tears, uncontrollable sobbing tears and all I could think of was I wanted Mr INLOG with me... Yes he is still around! But part of me also knew that him being there wouldn't have made me feel better... in fact, it probably would have made me feel a lot more uncomfortable in that I was red eyed, blotchy, snotty and a great big pile of MESS!!! I like him to see me at my best :)
So I talk to people about how I need a break... but Little Man is in daycare 3 days a week, that's selfish... during those 3 days I either work if I'm required, I do 'man chores' that cant be done while Little Man is around, like mowing the lawn, or I do other things I cant get done while Little Man is around and demanding my attention, like Doctors appointments, hair dressers, brow waxing... more selfishness!!! Funny enough writing this isn't helping me much at all!!
I guess at the end of the day I miss me... I hate being alone and I find it hard to meet guys when I cant be myself because I'm busy being 'mum'... I just want to be me, but I'm not even sure who 'ME' is anymore... I know I'm no one without my son, but I continue to blame him for holding me back... If I'm not blaming him I'm blaming my ex for leaving me in this situation where as he was free to go off and party and find someone else to have more babies with... I don't see things as being quite that simple for me and I'm not sure how to get around it at all... wow so selfish and resentful!!!! I guess I need to take control of my own destiny or something...
So this afternoon was no fun for anyone... I don't feel as though anyone truly understands. I have single parent friends but they don't see their ex-partners the same way I do... I love him, I always will, I had his child I cant help but love the man. I know he isn't a good person, I know he can be selfish- but so can I... and if he didn't end up starting a family with another girl the chances that I would have taken him back and tried again would have been huge... but on the other-hand I hate him soooo much, I hate that he willingly broke out family, left me alone and our son without a father, he seemingly quite happily abandoned us emotionally, physically and financially, no phone calls, text messages or anything...
And then there is Mr INLOG, who is kinda back on the scene, a friend as well as sometimes a little more... sometimes he is distant and sometimes he is close... I like when he is close but I get so scared, scared of so many different things... and I'm not sure if these fears are isolated to just him of if they are general fears of moving on... what if it happens again and I'm left a single mum with 2 or more kids??? What if the first relationship failed because of me??? What if it really was all my fault and I didn't try hard enough or I pushed my ex away???? What if the next guy that comes along is my Prince and I'm too scared to take him and run????
This could very well be the worst piece of writing written in cyberspace... and perhaps by reading it you will gather some insight into my twisted and messed up mind... if you manage to work through how terrible this writing is and have some kind of conclusion to give me please leave it as a comment because right now I'm willing to take all the advice I can get....
Until next time
single_mummy
xx
To start off the day I was suppose to meet up with someone, sure the reason isn't important but the fact that I had to stop housework, drive 30km and then wait in the car for 45mins without a message or anything to say she wasn't coming or to ask where I was when I was 10 mins late due to traffic. Then I came back home, finished the housework and we had lunch... Little Man refused to nap and frankly to start off my selfishness I wanted a nap so I got cranky and probably a lot irrational. I ironed while I tried to convince Little Man that he needed to sleep in order to survive the afternoon. While all this was happening I was quietly cursing my ex, bad moods always seem to do this to me.... I always resort back to "how dare he leave me to deal with all this by myself".. oh God how selfish do I sound???
So I told Little Man that we wouldn't be going for a walk because he refused to sleep... I lost my noodle and made him sit on the lounge after I caught him jumping on the bed... where he promptly cried for 10 mins to go to bed.
Soon after that crying match ended the dog stole the favourite bedtime toy and took it under the house. I'm not sure who was more upset me or Little Man... So the dog was in big trouble and still is because I want the toy back!!!! I was in tears, uncontrollable sobbing tears and all I could think of was I wanted Mr INLOG with me... Yes he is still around! But part of me also knew that him being there wouldn't have made me feel better... in fact, it probably would have made me feel a lot more uncomfortable in that I was red eyed, blotchy, snotty and a great big pile of MESS!!! I like him to see me at my best :)
So I talk to people about how I need a break... but Little Man is in daycare 3 days a week, that's selfish... during those 3 days I either work if I'm required, I do 'man chores' that cant be done while Little Man is around, like mowing the lawn, or I do other things I cant get done while Little Man is around and demanding my attention, like Doctors appointments, hair dressers, brow waxing... more selfishness!!! Funny enough writing this isn't helping me much at all!!
I guess at the end of the day I miss me... I hate being alone and I find it hard to meet guys when I cant be myself because I'm busy being 'mum'... I just want to be me, but I'm not even sure who 'ME' is anymore... I know I'm no one without my son, but I continue to blame him for holding me back... If I'm not blaming him I'm blaming my ex for leaving me in this situation where as he was free to go off and party and find someone else to have more babies with... I don't see things as being quite that simple for me and I'm not sure how to get around it at all... wow so selfish and resentful!!!! I guess I need to take control of my own destiny or something...
So this afternoon was no fun for anyone... I don't feel as though anyone truly understands. I have single parent friends but they don't see their ex-partners the same way I do... I love him, I always will, I had his child I cant help but love the man. I know he isn't a good person, I know he can be selfish- but so can I... and if he didn't end up starting a family with another girl the chances that I would have taken him back and tried again would have been huge... but on the other-hand I hate him soooo much, I hate that he willingly broke out family, left me alone and our son without a father, he seemingly quite happily abandoned us emotionally, physically and financially, no phone calls, text messages or anything...
And then there is Mr INLOG, who is kinda back on the scene, a friend as well as sometimes a little more... sometimes he is distant and sometimes he is close... I like when he is close but I get so scared, scared of so many different things... and I'm not sure if these fears are isolated to just him of if they are general fears of moving on... what if it happens again and I'm left a single mum with 2 or more kids??? What if the first relationship failed because of me??? What if it really was all my fault and I didn't try hard enough or I pushed my ex away???? What if the next guy that comes along is my Prince and I'm too scared to take him and run????
This could very well be the worst piece of writing written in cyberspace... and perhaps by reading it you will gather some insight into my twisted and messed up mind... if you manage to work through how terrible this writing is and have some kind of conclusion to give me please leave it as a comment because right now I'm willing to take all the advice I can get....
Until next time
single_mummy
xx
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